Obituary Etiquette: What to Include and What to Leave Out

When you sit down to write an obituary, you are doing two things at once: sharing news with a community and telling the story of someone you love. It is natural to wonder what belongs in that story and what is better left unsaid. There is no single correct answer, but a few thoughtful guidelines can help you write with confidence and care.

What Most Obituaries Include

Readers usually look for a few essential details. Including them helps people understand who has passed and how they can pay their respects.

• The full name your loved one was known by, including a nickname or maiden name if it will help people recognize them

• Their age and the city or town where they lived

• A brief description of their life: work, passions, faith, service, or the roles they treasured most

• Close family members who survive them, and those who passed before them

• Service details, or a note that services will be private or announced later

• Where memorial gifts or donations may be directed, if the family wishes

Details You Can Safely Leave Out

Some information that once appeared routinely in obituaries is now often omitted for privacy and safety reasons. You are never obligated to share more than feels right.

• Exact birth dates and full home addresses, which can be misused by people who prey on grieving families

• The specific time the home will be empty during services

• Detailed medical information, unless the family wants to raise awareness

• Financial matters or family disagreements

Handling the Cause of Death

Families often feel unsure about whether to mention how their loved one died. Some choose to name an illness to honor a long fight or to encourage support for a cause. Others prefer phrases like "passed away peacefully" or "died unexpectedly." Both approaches are respectful. If the death involved circumstances that are painful or private, it is perfectly acceptable to say nothing at all.

Navigating Complicated Family Situations

Blended families, estrangements, and divorces can make the survivor list feel like a minefield. A few gentle approaches can help:

• Talk with close family before publishing so that no one is surprised

• Use inclusive language, such as "loving grandmother to many," when listing every name would be difficult

• Focus on the relationships that mattered to your loved one rather than on formal definitions

• When in doubt, err on the side of kindness and inclusion

Choosing the Right Tone

An obituary does not have to be solemn. If your loved one was known for a quick wit or a big laugh, it is fine to let that shine through. A light touch can be a beautiful way to capture a personality. What matters most is that the words sound like the person you are remembering.

Before You Publish

Take a moment to review the obituary carefully, or ask a trusted friend to read it for you. Double-check the spelling of names, dates, and places, and confirm service information with the funeral home or venue. Small errors are easy to make when grief is fresh, and a second set of eyes can bring real peace of mind.

An obituary is not a test with right and wrong answers. It is an act of love. If you write from the heart and protect your family's privacy along the way, you will create a tribute that honors your loved one and comforts everyone who reads it.